4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
