Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
