Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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