You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
