I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
