9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
