Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
