There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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