so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
