Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
