$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
