you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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