I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
