The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
