you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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