dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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