good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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