I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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