She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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