You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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