So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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