So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
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You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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