How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
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