Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
