Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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