i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
