so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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