First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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