How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
we made out on top of his cat.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
