I can tuck mytits in my pants
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.