its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS