I just made out with a guy for $7.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.