I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Buhtt sex?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
All the doctor said was why
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
