I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
