I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
