I got chris browned last night
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I still have a little drunk in my system
and you fell through a lawn chair
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
