watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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