youre lurking in front of me
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
