We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
