I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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