So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
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there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
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All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.