is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
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He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
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He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa