It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.