i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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