Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
