Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
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