after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
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