They should really pass out barf bags in church
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
