I think I won the penis lottery.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
