Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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