I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
