those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
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We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
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It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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