Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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