I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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