My liver just broke up with me...
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize