I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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