dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He shit in the fireplace
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
