Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
