He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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