he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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