Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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