I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I love having hate sex.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Randomize
